Well... WOO HOO!!

60 days today!!! It's bitter sweet I guess.. I'm sober, alive, and moving forward; yet empty, alone, and beat all at the same time. I don't think I've ever fully acknowledged / accepted how much of a problem I have with faith and trust. And I wonder why no one has had any in me, haha? If anyone reads this, please pray for my wife and kids as they're putting their lives back together as well. What comes out of an orange if squeezed?? Most people think it's orange juice, but that's the wrong answer. You won't ever know until you squeeze it. I think that's why purging is so painful, you really get to see what's inside...

Woo Hoo!!

30 days today!

A new week

Motivation is a tricky thing. Why do we do whatever we choose to do? Is every motive justified as long as the outcome is the goal? I know all the cliches for motivation, but going through this has made me really sit and think about my motives. I've always known that motives change and shifts your goals but I've never accepted that for myself. Maybe because I'm too lazy or maybe because by looking at my true motives it exposes my true selfish goals. My goals are changing and I'm having a hard time allowing that to motivate me. That's the most I've ever used that word in one paragraph, haha. I need to be drink from the right fountain.

Friday

I've been on a path that leads to nowhere for a couple of years and haven't cared at all. The truth is that path led to to somewhere and it's here. I'm here and ready to be on that new path, to where ever it leads. Seems like I cause damage either way. I believe in redemption, but do accept my consequence. I can't worry about things I can't control any longer. Why is that the toughest thing to accept? "All Within My Hands", right?

Man

Ive got to make some changes, now. I appreciate everyone that's been praying for me and sending encouraging letters. Please pray for my wife and kids, they're dealing with much worse and they've done nothing wrong. They've loved me and dealt with my crap for years. If you don't mind saying a prayer for them I would appreciate it.

Ho Hum

Had a pretty good day with my dad today, hung out and went to a movie. Unknown was pretty good the first time it came out, it was called the "Bourne" series, haha. By the way, surviving Marti Gras while getting sober should add at least a year of sobriety for me... I'm just saying. 22 days today and I'm alive, and I've never been happier about that.

Another Day

21 days today and I feel about as empty and alone, if not more so, as I was feeling 6 months ago. Where do I go from here? What do I do from here? My desire to return back to what I was doing has been minimal at best, and that scares me a little. This isn't easy, but me and complacency don't work so well together. I'm ready for some sort of chaos, or I'm going to go stir crazy.

Dust Magnet

I have a friend who has always jokingly called me "dust magnet" as a nickname, I think I'm going to have my name legally changed to that.  It really does have a nice ring to it.  There have been a lot of people that I have hurt and damaged by my lifestyle, and some of them (rightfully so) are wanting to start their healing process with with me now.  I'm not ready yet, simply because I don't have any natural or normal coping skills, I've always hid with substance.  Please be patient with me, I want to repair what can be repaired.  My wife has decided for a separation and I understand.  Time to start dealing with the reality and fallout of bad decisions, and that's not just substance abuse.  It's kind of ironic if you think about it, I've spent years isolating myself from people who wanted to be close with me; then I start to try and open myself up to reality and intimacy, and they isolate themselves from me.  I've earned it all, but I'm sober and alive today, and I couldn't be happier about that.

Pushing forward

No clear answer on what to do yet. I don't want to crawl in my hole and hide anymore. I'm hurt and alone and I'm ready to keep pushing forward. I can't make any of this happen because I'm not in control of any of this at all. Please send the right place.

Open or closed

At 11 o'clock a door will either open or close for me. I usually force my will, but I'm letting go of this one, and I'm not fearful.....yet, haha. I sort of wish someone was going with me, but it's probably better that I go alone. One less person for me to hide behind.

Hour by hour

Well, today makes 13 days of sobriety and it has felt like 13 years! Haha. I know it's all done one day at a time, but it's been more like one hour at a time for me so far. Although I'm motivated, I'm not going to be able to do this out of motivated conviction. Tomorrow is a pretty big day for my journey and I can already feel my brain figuring out ways to manipulate things tomorrow. The sad thing is that I have nothing to really gain by not being honest with these people. Why would I risk any of this for no gain? I don't feel it's about ego, how could it be? I'm sober and alive right now and I want this emptiness and isolation to be overwith. God, please let these people see through my manipulation and give me the courage to just be honest about everything. I'm really missing my family and wish we were all together right now.

Why am I doing this?

I've been thinking about this question all day today.  Right now I feel about as worthless, alone, scared and isolated as I've ever felt, but I do know that I want to live.  I'm doing this so I can be alive.  I thinik I'm willing to lose everything else if it comes down to it, no matter how much it hurts, just to be alive.

Day 4

I'm either too fat, or this house is smaller than normal.  Personally, I'm going with the "house" option.  I've treated my body like a nuclear waste dump in New Jersey for so long now that it's going to take some serious changes in my diet and excersise to find some much needed relief.  Can anyone tell me if Wii Bowling counts for excercise?  I think so....  My body hasn't really hurt like this in a long time and I'm still not sleeping, I got 2 hours the night before and zero last night.  I know the physical stuff will get better, but no matter what; I'm alive today.  I miss my wife and kids and I wish they were with me right now.  Apparently my plans have never been in motion as I once thought, and another one's been in play for a long long time.

Day 3

I have and have had so many great friends in my life, probably more than most people could ever claim.  I don't mean just "typical" friends either, I'm talking about the kind of friends that would walk through hell with me without even having to think about asking.  Over the last 3 or 4 days, the news of what has happened to me as been slowly trickling down the line to these guys and I've been having to give account.  I couldn't tell them any of this for years because of my shame and my false sense of control.  All of these guys know that I know that each and everyone of them would have done anything to help me, and I still couldn't reach out.  I'm so ashamed, and I'm sorry.  This is gonna be a rough day and I need to find a meeting.  I'm committing to doing at least 90 in 90 days plus treatment.  Thanks for still loving me guys, I don't deserve it.

Day 2.2

Well....  I went to the meeting and there was a sign on the door saying "AA no longer held here".  I was upset for two reasons, one, I needed to be in there, and two, I drove 45 minutes to be there.  My dad and I had plans for the rest of the day that I was really looking forward to, but needed to make a meeting.  I ended up choosing the meeting over dad and the meeting was awesome.  Someone gave me a copy of the Big Book and I may have met someone to be my Sponsor.  Today was the first day I really thought about a drink, I'm glad I didn't.

Day 2

Well... I'm fixing to walk into my second meeting and I already feel the lying manipulator wanting to show his head. I'm actually shaking I'm so scared to face more people and open myself to anyone. Don't know what facility I'm going to be going to yet and it's worrying me. 20 years of hiding and destroying and right now that would seem more comforting at the moment. Just 1 day at a time right? I miss my family and I think I've lost my wife. Help... I'll post later tonight.

Day 1

Well, after a week in detox I began my journey to Mobile to begin treatment for alcoholism. I don't know how this is going to go and I'm scared to death. I've decided to start this blog to give me an avenue to vent and scream. I stopped in Montgomery on the way down and found an AA meeting, it was the first meeting that I'd ever been too. I'm glad I went, it kept me sober today. I'm alive another day!