Pushing forward

No clear answer on what to do yet. I don't want to crawl in my hole and hide anymore. I'm hurt and alone and I'm ready to keep pushing forward. I can't make any of this happen because I'm not in control of any of this at all. Please send the right place.

Open or closed

At 11 o'clock a door will either open or close for me. I usually force my will, but I'm letting go of this one, and I'm not fearful.....yet, haha. I sort of wish someone was going with me, but it's probably better that I go alone. One less person for me to hide behind.

Hour by hour

Well, today makes 13 days of sobriety and it has felt like 13 years! Haha. I know it's all done one day at a time, but it's been more like one hour at a time for me so far. Although I'm motivated, I'm not going to be able to do this out of motivated conviction. Tomorrow is a pretty big day for my journey and I can already feel my brain figuring out ways to manipulate things tomorrow. The sad thing is that I have nothing to really gain by not being honest with these people. Why would I risk any of this for no gain? I don't feel it's about ego, how could it be? I'm sober and alive right now and I want this emptiness and isolation to be overwith. God, please let these people see through my manipulation and give me the courage to just be honest about everything. I'm really missing my family and wish we were all together right now.

Why am I doing this?

I've been thinking about this question all day today.  Right now I feel about as worthless, alone, scared and isolated as I've ever felt, but I do know that I want to live.  I'm doing this so I can be alive.  I thinik I'm willing to lose everything else if it comes down to it, no matter how much it hurts, just to be alive.

Day 4

I'm either too fat, or this house is smaller than normal.  Personally, I'm going with the "house" option.  I've treated my body like a nuclear waste dump in New Jersey for so long now that it's going to take some serious changes in my diet and excersise to find some much needed relief.  Can anyone tell me if Wii Bowling counts for excercise?  I think so....  My body hasn't really hurt like this in a long time and I'm still not sleeping, I got 2 hours the night before and zero last night.  I know the physical stuff will get better, but no matter what; I'm alive today.  I miss my wife and kids and I wish they were with me right now.  Apparently my plans have never been in motion as I once thought, and another one's been in play for a long long time.

Day 3

I have and have had so many great friends in my life, probably more than most people could ever claim.  I don't mean just "typical" friends either, I'm talking about the kind of friends that would walk through hell with me without even having to think about asking.  Over the last 3 or 4 days, the news of what has happened to me as been slowly trickling down the line to these guys and I've been having to give account.  I couldn't tell them any of this for years because of my shame and my false sense of control.  All of these guys know that I know that each and everyone of them would have done anything to help me, and I still couldn't reach out.  I'm so ashamed, and I'm sorry.  This is gonna be a rough day and I need to find a meeting.  I'm committing to doing at least 90 in 90 days plus treatment.  Thanks for still loving me guys, I don't deserve it.

Day 2.2

Well....  I went to the meeting and there was a sign on the door saying "AA no longer held here".  I was upset for two reasons, one, I needed to be in there, and two, I drove 45 minutes to be there.  My dad and I had plans for the rest of the day that I was really looking forward to, but needed to make a meeting.  I ended up choosing the meeting over dad and the meeting was awesome.  Someone gave me a copy of the Big Book and I may have met someone to be my Sponsor.  Today was the first day I really thought about a drink, I'm glad I didn't.

Day 2

Well... I'm fixing to walk into my second meeting and I already feel the lying manipulator wanting to show his head. I'm actually shaking I'm so scared to face more people and open myself to anyone. Don't know what facility I'm going to be going to yet and it's worrying me. 20 years of hiding and destroying and right now that would seem more comforting at the moment. Just 1 day at a time right? I miss my family and I think I've lost my wife. Help... I'll post later tonight.

Day 1

Well, after a week in detox I began my journey to Mobile to begin treatment for alcoholism. I don't know how this is going to go and I'm scared to death. I've decided to start this blog to give me an avenue to vent and scream. I stopped in Montgomery on the way down and found an AA meeting, it was the first meeting that I'd ever been too. I'm glad I went, it kept me sober today. I'm alive another day!