Woo Hoo!!

30 days today!

A new week

Motivation is a tricky thing. Why do we do whatever we choose to do? Is every motive justified as long as the outcome is the goal? I know all the cliches for motivation, but going through this has made me really sit and think about my motives. I've always known that motives change and shifts your goals but I've never accepted that for myself. Maybe because I'm too lazy or maybe because by looking at my true motives it exposes my true selfish goals. My goals are changing and I'm having a hard time allowing that to motivate me. That's the most I've ever used that word in one paragraph, haha. I need to be drink from the right fountain.

Friday

I've been on a path that leads to nowhere for a couple of years and haven't cared at all. The truth is that path led to to somewhere and it's here. I'm here and ready to be on that new path, to where ever it leads. Seems like I cause damage either way. I believe in redemption, but do accept my consequence. I can't worry about things I can't control any longer. Why is that the toughest thing to accept? "All Within My Hands", right?

Man

Ive got to make some changes, now. I appreciate everyone that's been praying for me and sending encouraging letters. Please pray for my wife and kids, they're dealing with much worse and they've done nothing wrong. They've loved me and dealt with my crap for years. If you don't mind saying a prayer for them I would appreciate it.

Ho Hum

Had a pretty good day with my dad today, hung out and went to a movie. Unknown was pretty good the first time it came out, it was called the "Bourne" series, haha. By the way, surviving Marti Gras while getting sober should add at least a year of sobriety for me... I'm just saying. 22 days today and I'm alive, and I've never been happier about that.

Another Day

21 days today and I feel about as empty and alone, if not more so, as I was feeling 6 months ago. Where do I go from here? What do I do from here? My desire to return back to what I was doing has been minimal at best, and that scares me a little. This isn't easy, but me and complacency don't work so well together. I'm ready for some sort of chaos, or I'm going to go stir crazy.

Dust Magnet

I have a friend who has always jokingly called me "dust magnet" as a nickname, I think I'm going to have my name legally changed to that.  It really does have a nice ring to it.  There have been a lot of people that I have hurt and damaged by my lifestyle, and some of them (rightfully so) are wanting to start their healing process with with me now.  I'm not ready yet, simply because I don't have any natural or normal coping skills, I've always hid with substance.  Please be patient with me, I want to repair what can be repaired.  My wife has decided for a separation and I understand.  Time to start dealing with the reality and fallout of bad decisions, and that's not just substance abuse.  It's kind of ironic if you think about it, I've spent years isolating myself from people who wanted to be close with me; then I start to try and open myself up to reality and intimacy, and they isolate themselves from me.  I've earned it all, but I'm sober and alive today, and I couldn't be happier about that.